I was reminded today that  my son’s story is his and his journey through life belongs solely to him. This realization came about while  reading a post written by a hopeful adopter lamenting that maybe just maybe social media is not the place to share the brief story of the child who he desired to make his through the adoption process  and was denied when the child’s mother made the brave decision to take control and parent her child.  He talked about how wrong it was to share…but he did so anyhow. So much for practicing what one preaches.

If I am being honest ..it was not the content, how the post was written or even the story itself that raised my awareness..but rather the comments left by adults whose lives however many years ago were forever altered by the adoption process. The comment section on any post is usually one of the more interesting parts to see..reading the thoughts of others is the ultimate people watching and  it is a reminder that not everyone thinks like you do..not everyone sees the world through your filter..a sobering reminder to be respectful.  Before me were typical comments that had a mix of I am sorry you are going through this, God has another plan for you and this child..to ..sorry not sorry dude this was never your child to begin with, babies belong with their families and not total strangers ..to thank goodness the mother found a way to parent..The comment that struck me like a bolt of lightning had to do with an adopted person saying great and now that you have shared this child’s story without their permission and without the mother’s permission and it was not your story to share.  There in that moment it hit me ..I have shared the boy’s story ..for years..and never once did I ask his permission or think about the consequences of having his diagnosis out on the web to remain for eternity..I try to remain as anonymous as possible ..hoping to share my experiences on this journey over the years..hoping to help another parent see they are not totally alone..but today I ponder ..have I crossed a line that was not mine to cross?

My son absolutely sees his story through his own lens and his own filter..his perspective on what life is like with me absolutely has me in the role of the villain..I have named her the Maniacal Maven (that son of mine has graduated from Xbox One University and is an expert on sociopaths, schizophrenics and brain washers) ..I see my villain as kind of a sexy Bond Film type but the truth is I am more of a 1970s Saturday Morning claymation cartoon type ..you know the one they showed at 6 in the morning before the good stuff came on. My son in his perspective has been held down by the Maven and trapped in this life I forced him into..in some ways he is not wrong. ..

I am trying to find a balance between what is appropriate to share ..his story is part of my story. His issues have affected my family in every way you can imagine ..we are different and we are better because of our challenges along the way..the stories we tell ..well they are funny now. I still have moments when I realize that sharing our experiences definitely can offer a perspective that as difficult and overwhelming as it feels when you are in the thick of a tantrum, showdown or every day moment in life ..someone else has been there and has walked on to the other side. I remember days when I just felt so utterly alone even within my own family..people said it is phase and he will outgrow it..people said my problem was I was not a disciplinarian..no one understood my son’s issues were not then and are not now a phase of bratty behavior ..and for the discipline ..hmm that is a novel all to itself..you name it I tried it..shy of physically assaulting him because I knew a) he was just a frustrated as I was and still am.b) I may be a villain but I like to hold out hope I am not evil and I know discipline is a teachable moment..my son’s wired to react differently than I am ..unless you have walked in my shoes you will not get it.

The question is where to go from here .. I started this blog to keep this odyssey on track and for a space to let even one person know you are not alone …to find the lighter side of what can be daunting.. I wonder if I put my own needs above respecting the boundaries of what is and is not mine to share… perspective would be greatly appreciated


Long Live Captain Happy

LONG TIME NO POST..I am well aware..and I confess it is not due to lack of content to write..oh that boy of mine gives me plenty on a minute by minute basis. Life , my growing resentment towards the lack of services available to help the boy, working through my own BS and did I mention LIFE have put the kibosh on contributing to this site ..although I do have a second blog that is concentrated on me in my life other than being the Maniacal Maven to my son’s Captain Happy..long live Captain Happy. So buckle up kids this might be a long one..oh and one more thing…I feel the need to place this disclaimer: I do not edit my writing on this blog..whatever verbal diarrhea comes to mind filters through my fingers here for your reading (enjoyment?)

The thing is the boy is no longer a boy ..he is a young adult now, long past his high school days where the saint aided to keep him in line and me sane..now old enough to legally make his own decisions , well at least that is was the state thinks (I on the other hand have a slightly different opinion) .. yet he is still trapped in child like thinking that keeps him dependent upon his parents and contributes to the situation we find ourselves in.

I should also let you all know that the Maniacal Maven was taken down by TKO in the big  boxing ring known as LIFE for a while there..turns out I have Lupus. You know when I got the diagnosis from the doctor I thought I can’t be sick (after several hours and days  of asking myself ..wait did he just say what I think he said? OH MY GOD WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K? Senseless amounts of time was spent Thinking about the soap opera I used to watch on occasion which was  the only thing on TV while I was nursing one of my children at 3 AM that had a  character diagnosed with Lupus and she died from it in a rather dramatic fashion..then sobbing, and sobbing, and sobbing some more as I tried to figure out what this all meant) after I pulled my act together ..with some help I might add..I thought it can’t be Lupus because I am not sick..am I? Better yet House says it’s never Lupus …I hate to break it to myself ..it’s Lupus and it flipping sucks (turns out I have had symptoms and side effects for over 20 years..what started off on my road to the eventual diagnosis was a nasty set of circumstances that would take a month to write about)  Lupus it turns out is an evil bigger badass villain than the Maven thought possible. Captain Happy in his ever loving and supportive role as a devoted son has told me on several occasions not only does he believe I am lucky to be alive because a dear relative who passed on looks out for me..but he can’t wait for this to kill me…he is such a love bug..I bet you wish he was yours..sorry kids he is all mine.

SO enough about my drama..then again one cannot be a super villain without just a little dramatic flare..let’s get to Captain Happy ..in a nut shell kids he is a F***ING MESS. There is help available but he needs to want it and accept it. At the moment he is content living in our house ..staying awake all night..pacing ..pacing and pacing some more in his bedroom ..playing computer and XBOX ONE games until the sun rises and all good vampires need to sleep before they explode on impact with light..he emerges from his cave long enough to throw some shade at me..ask for me to drive him somewhere for coffee or lunch ..complain about my existence or do his laundry ..usually in that order. He goes to bed around the time that I am waking up..he wakes up in time for dinner to be served and has no desire to get a job, get job training or any real help. The dynamic duo of the Maniacal Maven and Bummer Man even pulled a fast one and forced the Captain into filling out forms so that he could get services from our state’s department of mental health..he filled it all out and then told the social worker who called him regarding his application that he does not need their services and they were all too happy not to process the paperwork ..recently someone gave us a list of resources to help get a case manager for him but again …he has to agree …take a guess at the Captain’s stance? He NEEDS these services DESPERATELY

The problem is he has it good here..he is warm, he has a place to sleep, he is safe , he knows he is loved even though we are all over his BS and at the point of having ZERO F**KS to give .he knows there is food here and quite frankly  the truth is …he is scared. I have a feeling he is lonely and bored as well ..his decline in social skills in the past couple of years could easily be remedied with group housing, socializing with peers, attending support groups, having a case manager, attending school for some training or just having a job..but he can’t get himself there and I can’t force anything upon him. He sees a therapist every 2 weeks because it is the only way he can the meds necessary to control his moods and behaviors and to be honest it is completely a waste of time and the therapist is pretty ineffective as well. He actually gets excited on the days he sees Monica because he sees his visits as an opportunity to go out and  to get food at his favorite fast food joints (on his dime not mine..he gets SSDI) . Due to the nature of his issues he is incapable of doing the hard work necessary to make therapy effective..so what is a badass villain to do? Well let’s say I whip out my communication device that is effective at connecting with others who know how to get him in line..ok you caught me it is just an iPhone 7 but I am really good at making calls when I have the required number of bars on the phone..yeah switching providers was not as good of a move as I thought  .. I think the people on the other end are sick of hearing from me..but hopefully there will be someone who gives me a break ..

There is a lot of guilt when you have a kid like Captain Happy..guilt that somehow you are at the root of his issues..guilt that there is nothing you can do to make it all go away and at least for me guilt that you are so flipping fried from the constant battles that  you just need like 3 months of no communication preferably in a warm place that has sand, a beach , lots of great books to read and really good margaritas (and a source of shade because too much sun is really bad for those of us with Lupus) Truth be told I would freak after 3 days of not hearing from him because I would be worried sick ..but if only he were in a group home I would not worry quite so much.

The other day I was involved in a conversation on social media during the aftermath of the shooting in Las Vegas. Someone mentioned how we as a nation neglect those with deep mental health needs and offer no support to their families..I had an oh girl you don;t know the half of it moment..which led to me opening my big mouth via my fingers and talking about just a few of the challenges we have faced being parents of a son who is diagnosed as high functioning autistic as well as bipolar and a few other ailments found is the DSM. A contributor to the conversation said maybe I should share our story and it got me thinking that I have not contributed to this page in a very very long time..so while I don;t think tonight is the night I will delve into the story I shared in that conversation ..i will save that for another post ..I realize that maybe it is time to start sharing again with people the struggles , the roadblocks and the joys of parenting a challenging individual while navigating through life with other kids who are NT (neuro-typical)  a spouse, a couple of dogs, dealing with an illness, bills and life and tell people that you don;t have to be perfect..you don’t have to even like what is happening with your kids and the effect it has on your life and the lives of all the members of your immediate family ..that it is OK and completely normal to think I hate this shit ..it is also OK to find the humor in all of this..I think I will quote the late great and utterly fabulous Carrie Fisher (who as you know also struggled with BiPolar) “If my life wasn’t funny it would just be true ..and that is unacceptable”

Until Next time kids …the Maven is out

Online and on my nerves

I have not been posting much here, it is not that life with the boy has been all hearts and roses (it has not) but my attention and time has been drawn to other projects of late and something has to give. 

The boy has hit a proverbial wall, he is motivated by everything and noting at all these days. It seems like we are at a point in our relationship where he is craving human contact any which way he is able to get it,and that includes some pretty negative behavior that induces negative responses. 

I am sure other parents with kids like mine can relate to what is going on at our house, the boy spends an inordinate amount of time on his xbox 360..we are on our third console in less than five years already.. and talking to people from all over. I guess when the boy is on xbox live he is able to be (at least in his mind) someone who does not have Asperger Syndrome or bipolar disorder and he feels somewhat normal or whatever normal is.

What frightens me is in the process the boy has been telling people very personal and intimate information about our family. He tells people about where we live and the type of car I drive, details about his siblings and has gone so far as to skype with some of his online “friends”. Problem is I can talk to him about this but other than blocking his xbox from the internet I am unable to police his behavior 24/7. I am afraid these interactions will continue to go on because he is often alone during the day and stays up until the wee hours of the night/morning. So what can I do? Until we are able to find suitable housing for him, absolutely nothing.  I am working on the housing end of things hoping to find a place the boy will agree to stay without us. Due to anxiety the boy does not like to be alone for extended periods of time and I am certain any housing options will require us to hire an attendant to be in the house with him.  

Something has to give, because I am turning into someone I am not fond of. I am finding myself becoming more and more detached from the situation with the boy, unable to deal with his tantrums and constant demands. I am not sleeping because he flies off the handle so easily and I am afraid of his behavior if one of his online “friends” gets him going over anything. I am also working on finding something for the boy to do with his time as opposed to spending it all online. One of my thoughts is that we will start a small cottage based business making a few items I am getting good at doing…like cake pops and I can have him help me as well as maybe sit at a booth at a few local farmers markets. One or both of us has to take an online food safety class and go through a few hoops to get licensed and certified..I am willing to go this distance to get him offline and maybe into the real world

The Spelling Police

I am not used to getting many comments here on my little site. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I rarely post. Let’s be real here, life has this rude way of interrupting my creative side, I really would love to post more often, but my kids might have other things to say. However when there are comments, even from the people I bribe to read my site, it is very exciting in a weird and geeky way. So where I am going with this is today I took a look at the site and saw there were actually comments in my spam folder here on WordPress.com. As per usual most of them were just from sites trying to get me to buy their services by letting me that my blog is not getting as big of an audience as it should and blah blah blah..but there was one and it appears to come from Indonesia (since Indonesia is the only country highlighted on the little map today) calling me out for my spelling. OKAY…so here it is

“certainly like your web-site but you have to check the spelling on several of your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling problems and I find it very troublesome to tell the reality then again I will certainly come again again.” 

HMMMM is the reader trying to say that my spelling sucks or the proofreader here on WordPress is at fault? I mean I would NEVER spell anything wrong at 1:00 in the morning while I am in the midst of a full blown attack of insomnia…NEVER…Maybe it is just me, but I am not sure if I would put something like this on a person’s blog…and what is this crap about reality?  You know my reality might not be pretty and it definitely shows signs of insanity but it is my reality. This is when I remind myself that comment was in the SPAM folder and is probably a thinly disguised ad for some service that will attempt to rip me off if I click on the link..but still a comment is a comment so time to get vigilant about my spelling ..


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A reality check

This morning I went to the pharmacy to pick up 3 prescriptions for the boy. Up until very recently this was not really a task I worried about since we are required by our health insurance plan to fill any long-term medications via a mail order pharmacy or risk paying the full amount of the medication cost. The reason I am once again filling prescriptions at the local CVS is due to the fact that his med managing psychiatrist dropped us from her practice because he is too old for her child and adolescent practice since he is just over 18 and a high school graduate. This good doctor promised to help us find a new doctor in the area who could pick up where she left off. Truth is that never happened, she dropped us and despite my sending emails to her to discuss what our options are she never replied,leaving me to scramble to find a replacement. This task sucks

I reached out to several physicians in our area to see if they are accepting new patients and the answer was overwhelmingly NO. A few of the psychiatrists who actually called back told me that our former doctor was notorious for doing to her older patients exactly what she did to us and said something to the effect of wish I could help but sorry. The question turns to where do I go now? The boy has medications that need filling because these medications are his lifeline to a somewhat “normal” life. These medications allow him to function at home and not be locked away in a hospital trying to sort himself out. I asked my pediatrician to help us out in the interim and while he is happy to do so, he also let me know that he is uncomfortable writing prescriptions for these medications for more than a couple of months..we wore out his welcome.

Here is another reality, once a child reaches the age of 18 mom can no longer make the phone call to the doctor”s office and make appointment for their children. Now explain to me how once expects an NT child to adjust to this reality quickly? My older child does not use the phone, this child communicates more via text than she does by speaking to anyone and that includes me..thankfully I am text savvy….so explain to me how they expect an adolescent boy with asperger’s syndrome to make a phone call, be put on hold and then make an appointment? MY POINT EXACTLY…the boy and I actually had a rather intense conversation about this because he just could not comprehend why he was not able to simply walk in to the place we are trying to get into and they will just see him. Trying to reason with him just ended poorly for both of us..sigh. The boy finally called but as of this week they did not call back, they “lost” his paperwork and we were forced to start the process all over again and now we wait another 5-10 days for them to call us back. So for now we wait..and wait ..and worry that next month there will be no way to fill his prescriptions.

Today was yet another reality check…when the prescriptions arrived, so did my portion of the costs…a whopping $170 for 3 medications. Due to 2 unexpected trips to the emergency room, a preplanned dental surgery and doctor visits etc, my family exhausted its medical flexible spending account for 2012 and hence the $170 came out of my pocket. You see the boy’s medications cost my family $2040 per year to fill thanks to 1 costing $150/month. Until this year we were able to set aside up to $5000 in pretax Healthcare Flexible Spending account to pay for his medications, braces, eye glasses, surgery etc..we just found out that amount has been reduced to $2500 per year starting in 2013. You see my middle class family now is unable to set aside money for medical expenses to cover all of our needs. This is Obama Care reality, I get taxed more, have to pay more and am taking home less and less. The boy qualifies for less ad less this my friends is our reality

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A Moment To Remember

I remember exactly where I was 8:45 AM on September 11, 2001. My baby started her first day of school and was looking rather adorable in her new dress and little Mary Jane shoes. Her school was a bit of a distance from our house and I was not sure if I was better off staying close by or heading home to get a few chores done before she needed me to pick her up and the other kids got home. I stood with a heavy heart trying to hold back a few tears as she walked into the school building with all the other little preschool and kindergarten children and waved bye-bye. Into my car I got only to get a call on my cell phone…one of the other children in the family was missing her lunch and did not have enough money on her lunch card, I needed to drive to her school and bring money ASAP

I stopped and got coffee, turned on the radio and listened to the verbal banter between the morning jocks all the while noticing what a beautiful day it was. No need for tears, the baby starting school I told myself is good for everyone. 8:47 AM the music on the station just stopped…and the news jock came on the air sounding somber, a small airplane he said reportedly hit the WTC Tower One. There were limited reports at that very moment but the guys tried to lighten the mood on the air. I pulled in front of the kids’ school, walked in and the secretaries in the office asked me if I heard what happened in New York. I told them exactly what I knew at the time a small plane reportedly crashed into the WTC. In that moment it did not seem like this was anything to be too afraid of. I left the money and back into the car I got.

On September 11 of 2001 the boy was in the hospital. He had an epic meltdown a week or so prior and pulled a butter knife out, threatening one of his siblings. Normally this activity was something we grew accustomed to to..the boy melted down, we restrained him or disciplined him and his response generally included some intense and drastic behavior/acting out on his part. This particular time I called the doctor. This time the doctor said the boy needed to be in a hospital. So I drove the boy to the emergency room of a hospital north of where we live and they admitted him. On September 11, the boy was close to his discharge date but the events of the day made the staff change their minds about allowing any of the kids to go home. They were in a safe place to discuss and act out what they heard and saw. Emotions were raw in my family during those days. Looking back I am grateful the boy had a safe place to find out about the 9/11 tragedy because honestly I am not sure if he had the maturity to process the images of what was happening.

I got back into my car and was startled by a loud and unfamiliar sound coming from the radio. The station playing at the time was a pop station, not a serious news outlet, but CBS News interrupted the broadcast with news of a second plane hitting WTC Tower 2. The world suddenly stopped. The clowns of the morning show were quiet and the proverbial music died. The news caster announced we were under attack. My car pulled into the driveway, and as soon as I turned the television on the images overwhelmed me. They kept repeating the scene over and over, I know I was unsure what this meant. Were we going to survive the day? Were there more attacks about to happen? Who Did this to us and why? How was our friend living and working in NYC doing?

Instinctively I wanted to get my kids, bring them home and hold them close. I did the right thing for my family and left them in school where they were safe from watching television and safe from knowing what happened. The media saturated the airwaves with pictures, videos and news of the attacks and my kids ranged in age from 4 through 10 and I felt the need to protect them from the news even for a short while.

11 years later, I recall that day as clearly as if the attacks happened yesterday. I do what I can to stop the boy from perseverating on the events of 9/11 or the people he thinks are still responsible. The boy refuses to fly as a result. We managed to get him on a plane to Walt Disney World 2 summers ago but after that he refuses to go even near the airport. I can not get him to travel down to New York City or Washington DC because he still fears something bad will happen. The other kids in the family will fly but they only know the new “normal” in flying in the days since 9/11.

I pray that we as a nation never forget that fateful day. I pray for the Troops who are deployed and protecting our freedoms and I pray that God Bless the USA. Hug your children, teach them about tolerance and peace and pay homage to those who lost their lives innocently, and those who gave their lives trying to help save them on that sad day 11 years ago.


Change is good and necessary at times, well at least that is what I keep telling myself.There is a lot of change going in my life, some I have control over and others..well not so much. I have decided to embrace the changes and see where the proverbial winds take me. So, on that note… I did indeed change the title of this little site and I now own the domain as well so if you are looking for me ..http://motherhoodthroughaspergerlenses.com..now if I could only figure out how to brighten up the site with pictures or something …what has not changed is my limited attention span and haphazard ability to keep up with my busy life…here’s hoping that will change as well.

The reason I decided to change the title of my site because the BOY is not really a boy any longer, he is in fact a young man. What does not change is I am still his mother no matter how old he gets and due to his special needs I will always be parenting him some capacity. This is true for all kids, even when they are adults we still need to mother them just not as intensely as we do when they are young.

I am considering registering this site on Blogher.com…scary because as I said before there is some comfort in anonymity, at least here I am comfortable with the 5 people who read my site on blogher.com that number could triple not sure if I am ready for more than 15 readers! I have already tested the waters and taken the plunge, the title of this site is the title I came up with for my post over there…21 people actually read what I wrote and I am not sure if I know any of them…Not sure how I am going to handle my life now that I am famous (by the way whatever friend of mine read me 21 times thank you the check will be in the mail soon) now what I need to work on is making sure I do not just rant and watch my grammar.